he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
