I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
