my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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