the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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