I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize