we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
