TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize