found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
