please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
