dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
