I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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