Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
