my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
