when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
