I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
