Plan B is the new Plan A
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
