It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
