In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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