yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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