Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Randomize
