you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
