Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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