I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
