and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
