Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Is it penis luge time yet?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
