I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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