No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
