Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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