MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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