You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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