i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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