So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
