Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just cropdusted the office
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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