im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize