Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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