I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
