I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
