Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
