Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize