your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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