I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i wish my penis had a tongue
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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