I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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