i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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