I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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