When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
