Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
