I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize