I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
