im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
