I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Your penis caused this!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
