u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
