Already got asked if we're dating
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I can't put those talents on a resume
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
