My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
