don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
