ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
