I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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