maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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