I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
