I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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