Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
