i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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